EMO HUGZ AND SUICIDE KISSES

I’m Alone again Heart Broken Tears run down my face And the blood drips A razorblade in hand And cuts along my wrist My arm goes num My breathing quickens A drop to the floor And I lay their dying No one around to hear me scream As the pain quickens Now with only seconds left The door opens And I look at you for the last time Cause you are to late For I have died, From a broken heart And lonely nights.

I wrote this one a while ago around christmas time 2007 - 2008 something like that ... Hope yea like it ^^

Christmas Wish

Kyo and I laid underneath the stars, on a warm silent summer night. Kyo’s arms were wrapped around me and everything felt so right. Kyo kissed me sweet and softly and I felt Kyo’s warm touch against my lips, and he help me feel protected and safe under the sweet night sky rush.

We laid beneath the stars for what felt like hours without a care in the world. Nothing was going to ruin this perfect picture moment beneath the stars.

Just when everything was perfect, and you seemed so delicately sweet, a rush of wind comes past me as it was swept beneath my feet.

As the stars above us twinkled and the air around us felt warm. He held me tight and I hugged back. As I hugged back it felt like our bodies fit together like two perfect puzzle pieces and Kyo was squeezing tighter now not wanting to let me. It felt good to be among my one true loves arms and touch.

It had been along time since we had anytime alone. With the interview, touring and being on the road a lot. This was defiantly my favorite moment, time, hour and day. I never wanted this feeling to end.

Then I felt your touch loosen a little from the tight hug that you had me in and I looked over at you only to find that you had fallen asleep. Next I took my hand and caressed your check. Your skin felt so soft and delicate under my touch. So I snuggled in closer to you and wrapped my arms around you like you had yours, but I never want this night to end. Just you and me laying beneath the stars.

~Fin~

My new obsession is Jrock music...  I still  have my Tokio Hotel obsession, but  along side that i'm obsessed with  Miyavi (Meev) , Gazette and alot of other Jrock bands and singers, but my  FAVOURITE it Miyavi (Meev).

GOD he can play the guitar so sexc, and be so talented at the same time..... Me love him so much TEE-HEE  =P

For as long as I can remember Tom and I have been close as brothers. Like you can call it brotherly love. Yes brotherly love. But by know it has gotten to be more then that. I know it's weird, but I love him with all my heart and I know that he love me the same as I love him.

Well he has told me that he loves me about a million times that he doesn't even have to say it anymore, because our love is more then just saying it. I know, I know it's not possible for brothers to be in love the way we are, but we just are. What we share is more then others can imagine.

We are at peace with each other sharing the same feelings, emotions and thought as we are now and grow older together. When I'm sad he's sad. When I'm happy he's happy. When I'm hurt he's hurt, that's the way I like it and I wouldn't change it for the world.

For now Tom is like God to me and I look up to him for everything. Yes everything. Where I go he goes. When I'm sick he's there to make me feel better. When I'm lost he always knows how to bring me back down to earth.

That's why my love for my brother is more then just doing it. Doing it is just one way that I know how to show him that I love him, but still there's more to it then just that. There's being there when he needs me the most, or I need him.

There's being a little brother the best that I can be, but most of the time I think that it's just weird that he finds himself the older brother just because he was born 10 minutes earlier then me, but what the heck. Being the little bother can have it avenges some times, but that's ok because I know in the end very thing is going to get even better like it has.

There are going to ups and downs. There are going to be surprise. Not just on special day of the year, but when you least expect it. Because that the fun of being in love with not just any guy. But your brother, your true love and your soul mate for as long as you want.

Well one thing is for sure that what ever the future brings we will always b as one. Like I said my love for my brother is more then just doing it.

OMG :'( Liam Styles Chang didn't make it into the top 10 on Canadian Idol....

 I was just watching Canadian Idol just to see him and he didn't make it in.... :'( ... I voted for him every night fro about 2 hours straight .... I really wanted him to get in so I could still see him, But oh well what can you do People that vote for their favs on Canadian Idol don't know what good talent is..... They think everyone is better then Laim was..., but he was the best out of all of them.... :'(

Oh and I think that the girl named Montana should of stayed to, but what can you do..... Canada sucks with voting for voting for things like that... Well any way it doesn't matter 2 much... Well I'm still gonna like him even thought he's off Canadian Idol...... :'(   

Chapter 1

I’m standing here in the bathroom of a hotel room. Now staring at an expressionless face. I was now trying to hold back the tears that were trying to escape, but it was no use they just fell anyway. When I heard a nock on the door.

“Bill come on you have been in there for about an hour and I have to use the bathroom.” “Go away.” “Bill what’s wrong?” “Nothing just go way.” “ Bill seriously is something wrong you sound really upset.” “What did I just say a sec ago, go away.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t really made at Tom. I was just pissed about everything lately. I need to just get away. Take some time off to be myself not what they wanted me to be. I know David and the rest for them are trying to do what is best for me, but I don’t feel like I’m me. Not ever David came into the picture. He never let me just be me. He would always make me do playbacks, even though some times I would of like to sing my old stuff. He wouldn’t even let me do that. Since my voice changed it has been my new stuff never letting me do what I wanted to do.

Well I’m tired of putting on fake smiles to hind everything. I tired of trying to lips sing. I’m tired of not doing what I want. I’m even really pissed of at the world. Now everything that once was good in my life is now gone.

“Come Bill please open up.” “No!” “Fine all go over to George and Gustav’s hotel room. They will let me uses there bathroom. They aren’t mean like you.” “Good go uses their bathroom. I don’t care.”

He knows I’m in one of my moods. He doesn’t have to make a big deal about it. I just didn’t want him to see me like this. No one see me like this. Even though he know that I just get pissy a lot and moody, but I still don’t let him see me like this.

Now tears down my cheek, marks on my left arm and a frown on my face rather then a smile. Now that’s the way I like it and have always.

If he ever saw me like this. Well if anyone saw me like this it would destroy everything. They would be worried about me. They would want to help me. They would ask me questions. Lots of question and I’m not ready to answer any question they got unless it has nothing to do with me and my little tiny problem that I have. Well my problem is not that tiny, but it is still little and I want it to stay that way.

I then after a few minutes of trying to get Bill to let me use the washroom. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went over to George’s and Gustav’s hotel room.  

“Hey George can I use your bath room.” “Yea” “ What know is Bill in one of his pissy moods today again?” “Yea this time he wont let me use the bathroom…. Oh and he keep telling me to go away.” “Wow he most be really messed up if he is doing that and tells you to go away.” “Well I think he need help, but every time I ask him what’s wrong and stuff he gets all made and in a pissy mood.

I then picked up a metal object that was sitting on the counter and paused and looked at it for a long time before I finally put it to my arm and made a mark. As I did that all the anger that I was feeling slowly went away. After about a few marks made on my arm by the metal thing in my hand I was not angry any more. It felt like I could go on with the day and be ok.

It was about 2 years ago that I started to do this. Just around that same time as I got into my pissy moods. People have been saying that I should get help, but I’m fine once I cute myself to make me forget why I was angry for a while.


Chapter 2

“Hey bill Can I talk to for a bit.” “If its about earlier then no.” “ Bill please, you need help. You can’t keep going around like that you know. One of these days David is going to find out and you can get in big shit.” “I don’t care. I just want to be left alone for the rest of my life to rote in hell.” “Bill don’t say that, you have a lot of people that care about you and you have one that loves you.”

I then rapped my arms around him and held him close to me. He then started to cry, but I couldn’t help but wonder why. I have never really seen him like that since. Well never. He looked so helpless. Like he was lost forever. He looked like a sad angel that fell from heaven and can’t go back until it has healed it self. I know that is just a little extreme, but well Bill like this is well extreme enough.

I then moved a little so that I could his face. He was still crying and now there was a big wet tearstain on my shirt from Bill crying. He then noticed that I was looking at him and he looked up at me and gave me a small helpless little sad smile. That’s when I knew that he might have a chance in getting better if he allows me to help him.

“Hey Tom, I have something to tell. I don’t really know how to tell you this. Well then I will show you. I hope you don’t freak out when I show you what I did to myself, but I had to it was the only way.”

I then moved a little and moved my arm from under him and put it up to him to show him, what I was talking about.

“OMG. Bill why. How could you do that to yourself.” “I had to Tom. It was the only way that I could go on living each the way that I did. No one allowed me to be myself.” “Bill I allowed you to be you. I never took advantage of you. I cared about you for as long as. Well since we were about five. You are my bother and I love you with all my heart.” “I know Tom you weren’t the problem. You were always so good to me.” “Then why did you have to go and do that for?” “ I did it because everything was getting so stressful. I never felt like myself. Everything lately was just so heard on me that I just broke down and well did this to myself.” “ You could of just talk to me and I could of help you before you started this. You could of just talked to David about the singing thing. He would of listened.” “No he never listens. Not just that. I have tried to talk to him about it and he said he was to busy and that I would have to come back later to talk to him when he had time to talk to me. So you see, I never got the respect that I devised from him and the rest of them and another thing is that I couldn’t take all those goddamn fans. Those poser wannabe’s, people that think that they know me as well as i9 know my own self.” “So you could of just came and talked to me. You know that I would of listened.”

And with that said I went back to hugging him and telling him that he was the best person ever. That he meant the world to be and everyone that cared about him.

Then after about a few minutes of saying what I was saying and hugging him he kissed me on the lips and gave me another smile. Now this smile was different. It wasn’t sad. It wasn’t even fake.

“Hey Bill why did you kisses?” “ I kissed you because I can and I want to you. You have been so nice to me in my time of need and yea I love you. “What did you say to me?” “I said that I love you.” “ Thank Bill I love you too.”

~ Fin ~

Chapter 10


Later this afternoon as people came and go like any other day at the hospital my brother couldn’t take it anymore. For some reason he felt like this was not a good way to have privacy. He even said that yesterday was ok, but it could have been better.

So that afternoon we left the hospital room and walked out. We just didn’t walk out. We walked out hand in hand not caring who saw us because we were in love.

“Hey love what do you want to do today? We can do anything you want,” I said as we were walking back to the hotel. “I don’t know I just feel like finding a nice quite dark place and being alone with you,” my brother said, as he pushed me up agents a big tree and started to kiss make out with me in front of all the people walking by.

I knew this was sort of wrong. Two guys making out outside in front of people. Let alone people we didn’t know. I thought that he want to go back to the hotel room, but I guess he couldn’t wait.

I then started to kiss him back and he did the same. When he was done with what he was doing he took my hand in his again and we walked back to the hotel to have some proper fun.

When we finally got back to the hotel and into our hotel room my brother grabbed me and pushed me flat onto the stiff hotel bed and crawled on top of me. My brother then pulled off my shirt.

“Now this is my kind of fun,” my brother said as he looked into my eyes as a cute little smile came to his face and I could finally see that he was happy for once in along time.

The last time that I had ever seen him happy was when he was 14. As thing got better he got worse. I think he never knew that I knew that something was wrong, but I guess it was better that way. Cause look at him now he’s smiling, happy and having fun.

“Yes this is my kind of fun too,” I said, as I looked him in the eyes too.

He then kissed me on the lip again, but this time he deepened the kiss by putting both this hands on each side of my head that was now propped up agents a pillow.

I then left his tongue run quickly along my bottom lip before I opened my mouth allowing him entrance. His tongue felt so good. The feel of the cool cold metal of his tongue piercing agents my own tongue sent a small shiver down my back and I let out another quiet moan.

I then took my hands and put slide then underneath his shirt and ran my hand up my brother’s back as he kept kissing and sucking on my tongue.

I squirmed a little pulling away to take a breath and have a second to comedown. I knew my lips were red from kissing, but I didn't care. Even my brother seemed to not care either. He just kept on trying to kiss me even though I need a sec.

I then started to moan in between kisses, enjoying the tenderness that my brother was showing. I loved times like this when my brother was in control, but loving and gentle at the same time.

My brother then realized that he was still wearing his own shirt, so he took off his shirt and flung it across the room.

“Now that’s better. Just the way I like it. Bear skin to bear skin,” he said as he went back to his kissing me. “Same here,” I said in a loving cute way that made him stop kissing me and smile at me for a sec before the kissing began again.

He then stopped kissing me on the lips and made his way to my neck and started to bit and kiss at my neck. As he was doing that I let out even another moan. This time is was a louder much deeper moan.

I wanted to tell my brother that this was perfect, together, like two matching puzzle pieces. I kept my mouth shut not wanting break the good moment, except for a few moans here and there. I really didn't want my brother to think that I was too sentimental or something. I then closed his eyes as I felt my brothers fingers fumble with my belt buckle.

Once my belts had been ripped off and thrown onto the ground, I quickly tugged at my brother’s belt. When I finally got it off of him, I dropped it on the floor. He then got up from off me and took his pant off all the way. As I did the same.

He then just stood there starring at me. Moving his eyes up and down looking at me all over. He looked like he really liked what he saw. He then stopped looking at me after about a min or so and got back in his place right on top of me and kissed me on the lips once again. But this time he was biting at my bottom lip playing around with me lip rings.

Then my brother then let out a loud purr and kept on playing with my lip rings.

After a few seconds he stopped. “Your beautiful,” he whispered into my ear as he started to nibble and bite at my ear. “So are you,” I said just before I let out a quite moan again.

He then moved his hand down my chest and stomach to my erection. Then he started rubbing my erection through the black material of my boxers. I then let out a deep moan and bucked my hips.

Omfg! That feels so good. I never thought that anything like this would ever feel so good. I know that lost of girls have done that before, but I never thought that his touch would be greatest of any touch that I have ever felt before.

He then started to suck at my neck for along time trying to make a mark that would last forever. As he was doing that I let out a few moans and dug my nails into his back and he let out a low growl.

He then moved his hand up a little and slipped it into my boxers to get a better touch. His touch felt cold at first. Then I could feel my erection getting harder.

 He then took his hand out and stopped sucking on my neck and gave me a very passionate kiss on the lips. He then lied complete they on me so that our erections were touching. I then rapped my arms around him and he snuggled up tight to me and moved so that he could see my face. I then took a good long look at him without saying a word. A few seconds later I broke the silence.

“Ich liebe dich,” I said as he looked up at me and smiled. “Yes ich liebe dich,” he said as his head went back down and he curled up close to me. Moved his head closer to mine and I held him until he fell asleep.

~ Fin ~  

Chapter 9


“Oh here it is,” I said as I sat back down on the chair beside my brother’s bed. He then turned and looked at me and I handed him the note. He then opened it and read it out load slowly and carefully, as I sat there looking at him and just smiling.

Dear, My Dearest brother

Ich Liebe Dich, forever and for always.

He then looked at me right in the eyes and started to cry. I then got up off of the chair and sat down on the bed beside my brother. Then I rapped my arms around him and held him tight until he cried him self to sleep right here in my arms.

He looked like a little angel from heaven, with his frail body and his angel like face. I few minutes later a nurse walked in to see how my brother was doing.

“Oh sorry to bother you, all come back in a few minutes,” she said as she saw what was going on and walked out of the room. I then lead over as much as I could still holding him as he slept in my arms and kissed him on the lips. He then started to kiss me back and his eyes opened and looked right at me for second only to close again. Then he took his left hand and started to run hi fingers through my hair. I then stopped kissing him and moved me head over and started to kiss his neck and he let a quite moan.

“Hey your awake love,” I said as he opened his eyes and kissed me on the lips.

“Hey I was just wondering, when the hell I’m I aloud out of here so we can go back to the hotel,” he said Just before I bite down on his neck and me let out another quite moan. “I don’t know, I’ll go ask,” I said as I let go of him and got up off of the bed. As I was walking to the door I turned around and gave in a little confused look and walked out of the room and down the hall to the elevator.

OMG! He’ got him memory back. That’s why he knew about the hotel. Maybe that it why he kissed me then? I thought as I got into the elevator and push main floor.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor I got out and walked to the main desk.
“Ummm…. excuse me miss, I was just wondering when can my brother in room 483 can leave the hospital. He wanted not know.” I said trying not to sound stupid. “Oh you’re talking about Mr. Kaulitz in room 483. He can leave some time this afternoon,” she said as I gave here a little smile and walked back to the elevator.

As I got back to the second floor I got out and walked back to my brother’s room and sat back down on the bed and pulled my brother into another hug. “What did she say,” he asked as he looked at me. “She said you can leave anytime this afternoon love,” I said as my brother was looking at me right in the eyes and I was looking him right in the eyes too.

Chapter 8


As I got out of the hotel room and down the hall to where the elevator was I kneeled onto the floor and started to cry.

All of this was now starting to really get to me. I never thought that something like this would ever happen… Well at lest happened to my bother of all people that this could have happened too. What if this happened to me and I was that one with the memory loss. No I could never bare the thought of that. But as I was kneeled on the floor cry it was useless. That thought kept going over and over in my head until I heard some one’s door opening and I got up off the floor.

I quickly pressed the down bottom for the elevator and went inside. It was good that the door closed before that person got here, or they would see that I have been cry.

As the elevator got to the bottom stairs I got out and walked outside of the hotel building and started walking up the street to the hospital where my bother was staying.

I walk right in and passed the front desk to the elevator and up to the second floor. The as the elevator got to the second floor I got out and walked to the room were my brother…. Well what was left of him was in.

As I got to the room I opened the door and found my brother awake and looking at me with the look of innocence and a smile. So I walked over and sat in the chair beside his bed. “Hey how do you feel today,” I ask my brother as he turn his head to look at me. “Ok I guess, but I’ve been better,” my brother said to me as I quickly looked away from him and looked at the floor instead. He then took his hand and reached over and lifted my head up with his right hand, so I was looking at him.

“Hey Tom I was just wondering about that note you wrote me,” I said as the smile on my face went way. “What’s wrong?” I said just as he leaned in and kissed me on the lips. I then pushed him way. “WTH!” I said a little too loud that a nurse walked in to see what was going on.

“Nothing, everything is fine. Were just talking,” I said to the nurse as she stood in the doorway looking at as. He then started laughing as the nurse walked out of the room. “Why are you laughing and why did you just kiss me for. I kissed you because I can.” He said a little jokingly. “Well then I can kiss you too,” I said as I leaned in and kissed my brother on the lips and he kissed me back.

Then I got up off the chair that I was just sitting on and climb on top of the bed that my brother was on, so I was right on top of him. He then smiled at me and was just about to say something, when I put a finger to his lips to stop him from saying anything.

I then removed my figure and put my lips back where they were a few seconds ago. He then let out a low moan and took my lips off his and stared at him for a long time. "Hey what was it you were going to say before I stopped you love,” I said as I started to get a weird feeling all over my body. “ I can’t remember at the moment,” he said as he took my hat off of my head and throw it on the floor and took my hair out of a pony tail. “ Hey love I was just wondering, does anything that I wrote on the note make any sense to you at all,” I said in a loving kind of way. “Yea! Some of it makes some kind of sense. Like when you said Ich Liebe Dich. I never thought you would ever say something like that to me ever,” he said as I kissed his neck and he let out a little quite moan as a bit down a little.

I then stopped kissing his neck and got up off of then bed that he was lying in and kneeled down by the bed and looked through my bag for a piece of paper that  I had wrote on just before I came here.

Chapter 7

After that kiss I just want to get as far away form this place as I could, so I want back to the hotel room, without another word to my dearest brother Bill.

I then opened my eyes and look around the room for about a few minutes.

Who the hell just kissed me. It was like the best kiss I have ever had. Well it was my only kiss I have had and it was amazingly delicious.

I then noticed from the corner of my eye that there was a piece of paper on the table beside the bed. I then picked up the paper and read it.


Dear, My brother Bill

I know that you don’t remember who I am and every second that I see you and are near you it feels like we are meeting for the first time. I know that you may never remember anything about who you are and about your past, but I have to tell you something and I think this is of any good time to tell you. Ich Liebe Dich. If this means anything to you I hope you get your memory back soon.

Your brother Tom.

After I was done reading the letter I almost had tears in my eye‘s.

Why the hell I‘m a about to cry for. I just met him yesterday. I then re-read the letter agian and thought for a little bit, but nothing came to mind of why the hell I was crying for.

After a few minutes I fell a sleep again.

Later that day as a was sleeping I was woken up a few times by people coming in and out of the room and once for the doctor coming in the see if I was okay. After the doctor has finally left the room I went back to sleeep.

Who the hell was this guy that kept calling himself my brother. Then all of a sudden my eyes opened and I reaziled that I didn‘t just meet him yesterday, but when did I meet him and where. That‘s that I really wanted to know at this point. I was getting a little worry about what he said in the letter. Did I really forget my memory. Was he really my bother. Did he really love me like he wrote in the letter. I was comfused and I need to find out what the hell was going on.

After a was done taking my shower I couldn‘t stop thinking about my brother was he still okay, did he remember anything yet. I was just so worried. I hadn‘t been away from him for more the just an hour and it was making me feel unconfortable and I just wanted to be near him even if he doesn‘t remember who I was. After thinking about it for a few minutes I  decided to go back to the hospital to see him and see if he remebers any thing at all.

Chapter 6


He then gave me a little friendly smile and I gave my brother one back. He looked so innocent and so happy they way his is right now and I didn’t want to take this away from him. Before all of this happened he was sad looking. I knew he was sad, but I never felt like it was my business to help him, but I should of then maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened at all.

I know I have to help him remember me and everyone that cares about him and who he really is, but I think he might be happier this way.

I then go up off the chair that I was sitting in and gave him another smile. This time with a look to that he may never forget even though he doesn’t really know how the hell I am.

I walk out of the room and back into the waiting room. Then went up to the desk were some one was sitting at.

Umm… Excuse me miss, do you have a piece of paper and a pen that I can borrow for a sec. Yea! I took the paper and pen that she let me borrow and sat down on a chair and started to right down the feeling in my head.

Dear, My brother Bill

I know that you don’t remember who I am and every second that I see you and are near you it feels like we are meeting for the first time. I know that you may never remember anything about who you are and about your past, but I have to tell you something and I think this is of any good time to tell you. Ich Liebe Dich. If this means anything to you I hope you get your memory back soon.

Your brother Tom.

I finished the letter and handed back the pen to the lady and walked back the room that my brother was in. As I got into the room I looked over the bed to find my brother a sleep. I walked up to the bed not wanting to wake him and placed the letter beside the bed and carefully gave him a kiss on the lips. As I kissed him I felt him kiss me back and I let go of the kiss and ran out of the room just as he opened his eyes.

Chapter 4


I was now sitting in the ambulance. Just sitting there holding my brothers hand crying and stroking his once perfect cheek that was now covered in blood.

For that few moments I was sitting beside my brother I felt like it was my fault that all of this happened to him. Lately I have been think that everything was my fault, but I know that it isn’t. Then why did this happen for.

Then the ambulance drives up to the hospital. The guys get out and opened that backdoor and pull my brother out with the stretcher. I then get out after them and follow them into the hospital and to the room where he was being operated on.

I wasn’t allowed to go inside the room, so I sat in the waiting room. I now had tears. I couldn’t hold them back any longer. I didn’t care who saw me cry. I just wanted my brother to be all right.

About an hour later I guy came out of the room that they had taken the brother to and came up to me.

Mr. Kaulitz your brother is just…. Well people with massive blows to the head don’t really live after something like that happens, but your brother is…I just sat there looking at him with tear stained eyes and a look on my face that would make you never what to look at me again. Well we are almost done the operation and your brother is going to be just fine. He has lost a lot of blood though, but he is going to be just fin. Then a tiny smile came to my face.

I was relieved, cause at that moment before he came and told me all of this I was just gonna go insane. The tension was killing me.


Chapter 5


It was about 6:00 am when a nurse came up to me and woke me from my sleep on the chair in the waiting room.

Mr. Kaulitz you can see your brother now if you like…. The second that she said that my heart just skipped at beat. I was just so happy to hear that he was ok….

I then got up off the chair that I was sitting in and followed the nurse down a hall and to the room that my brother was in. The nurse then opened the door of the room and I slowly walked in.

I then walked looking at the floor the whole time to the bed that my brother was in. I sat down on the chair beside the bed and finally looked up at my brother. He looked so peaceful sleeping, but yet he looked so dead at the same time with wires and things sticking out of him made him just not look like himself at all. I then took my left hand and moved away a piece on hair that was out of place and just sat there looking at my brother sleeping.

About a few minutes later that same nurse that came and showed me to my brother’s room came in to the room. Mr. Kaulitz you have to leave the room for a little. You can come back later today. The doctor just has to do another check on him before he wakes up. As she said that I just sat there not wanting to move for the rest of my life. I then slow they got up from the chair that I was sitting in and leaned over the bed that my brother was in and kissed him right on the lips. Just like it did before and then walked out of the room and when back out into the waiting room to sit and wait again in pain for my brother’s health.

A few minutes of sitting in the waiting room I got to upset just to sit down and wait, so I walked back to the room, but I didn’t go in side. I just sat outside the door listing to the sound that were coming out of the room. Then moments later the doctor walked outside the room to see me sitting outside the door. Mr. Kaulitz your brother is awake now, but I must worn you your bother has… well a slight case of amnesia and he might not remember who you are.

I then sat back down beside the door and cried. There now is no point of going to see him. He can’t even remember who I am. Now I know why the nurse told me that I had to leave before he wakes up. I thought about all of this for a little before I had enough courage to go into the room to talk to him.

I walked and sat down on the chair beside him. I looked at him and he looked back at me. The eyes that were one so amazing to look at were now nothing more then just eyes. The person that I once knew was now nothing special. Everything was gone out of him. He just looked like a stranger.

 Chapter 1

Its not easy to allow yourself to feel, when your feelings contradict everything you
are expected to feel. Its not easy to force yourself to
breathe, when every breath you take is an ultimate chore. Its not easy
to say your wrong, when everyone else says your right. Its not easy
to let yourself live, when your whole life feels like a lie.

My life is a mess, Im told Im a saint by so many, when its obvious
Im a blatant outright sinner. I hardly speak to my parents, I have
feelings for my twin, I am narcotic and excruciatingly vain. Im a
freak. I feel like my body is not my own. This sounds completely
stupid I know, but I think I was born wrong. I feel deeply and honestly
that God made a muck up somewhere along the line . . .

I cake my eyes in black makeup, to make a statement, and to hide who
I am. I wear tight clothes and false nails, because I can get away with it, because I
like it, and they like it. If they like it, it makes it all right. My
name is engraved onto many of their hearts, which would shatter if they knew the
truth about me. None of them would understand, even if they wanted to, even if
they bothered to try. No one could understand.Ever!

And so, I seek refuge. Where? I don't no. I need have some sort of release
from the world. I need to be able to tell someone about my emotions, try write them down.
To try organize them into a way that one-day maybe able to be recognized by someone
who could help me. You never know, life is a mysterious beast.

Loneliness is hard to conquer when you are surrounded by fellow
human beings everyday. Cornered in by your own species. Loving
and loathing them at the same time. Their view on life is normal and
clear, not a distorted jungle of hidden monsters and entwining shadows.
My world is different to theirs. To anyone else's for the matter.

However, I have a life many people crave. Im rich, there's no doubt
of that, Im famous (which is a mixture of a blessing and a curse) and
I seem to be flawless, angelic. At peace with myself, an individual confidently
expressing Creativity. Hah!

I belong to them, to big recording companies with smart black suits,
bright ideas and a keen eye for young talent. I belong to herds of
screaming girls who incessantly refuse to let me be me, yet without
them, I would be nothing. I belong to my band mates, a centerpiece
in the puzzle that we create together. They need me. Everyone needs
me. Everyone wants me, but me.

One day Ill get out of here, one-day life will be less confusing; one-day
it will all be over. I hope and prey that that one day will come soon. I don't know
how long I can hold on for, with my fake smiles, fake
dress sense, fake answers to fake questions, fake tints in my hair
and sparkles in my eyes. Fake movements, fake stillness, fake light
and fake darkness, fake day, fake night. There is no escape.

I was not born this way........

 

 Chapter 2

As I sat here with all my feelings and thoughts going over and over in my head my eyes started to water. After about a few seconds I felt a tear drip down my check. that's when I walked out of the bedroom part of the hotel room and walked over and kissed my brother and him hard on the lips, then ran right out of the hotel room and down the hall with out looking back.

When I got to the end of the hallway I pushed the button for the elevator. When I got into the elevator I pushed the 24 with out hesitation and more tears came to my eyes. Luckily it was good that no one came into the elevator or they would of seen me cry.

Just then the doors to the elevator opened on the 24 floor, so I got out and walked to the stairs. As I finally figured out where the stairs where I walked up to the roof of the building. Walked over to the edge of the building and sat down.

The night air was cool agents my skin, but I didn't care.

"Why  do I have to be this way for?" I said out loud to myself, finally having the chance to talk to myself without anyone hearing. I know I don't deserve to live, do I? This last thought I said out loud kept going over and over in my head when I head the door to the stairs open....

 

 Chapter 3

I then stood up waiting for him to walk over to me, but he didnt. All he did was stand there looking at me with sad eyes. I felt like he knew what was going to happen, but I didn't want to know. I just did.

He then started to walk closer to me, but all I did was just turn around and looked down at the street.

"You don't have to do this," He said with worry in his voice. "You don't understand," I said as he walked closer to me. He then stopped. I then turned around and look at him. He was crying. This was the first time that I have seen him cry in a long time and it was make all the things in my head a mess. I couldn’t take it seeing him like this was painful.

I know I’m the one with all the problems, but I just didn’t want to see him worry about me like this.

He then started to walk closer to me, so I just looked down at the ground.

He was just about to put his arms around me, when I took a step back. Then slipped on the edge. He then grabbed me hand and was trying to pull me back up, but he was not strong enough. I then felt my grip on his wrist loosens and tears came to my eyes. About a second later my grip finally let go and I was falling. I was falling fast.

Then with a thud I fell to the ground.

Tom then ran over to the edge to see what had happened. He couldn’t really see what had happened, but what he saw broke his heart into a thousand pieces.

Everyone was crowding around. The police where pulling up. Ambulance sirens were going off in the distance and right by the… It was too hard to just kneel at the edge watching. I had to get closer. I got up off the ground and ran. Ran as fast as I could. I ran down the stairs without stopping to take a break. I ran until I was right in front of my brother. Now that I was closer I could see what really happened to him. He was covered in blood. Well his face was. He most of fell and hit his head.

Without thinking I my way though the crowed to the middle. I stood there with a sad look on my face about the burst out in tears.  Pushed my way past the police and to my dear brother on the stretcher. Bent down and took my left hand and brush away a piece of hair that was on his face. For that moment I just wanted to take him in my arms and hold him forever and ever. Not wanting to let him go.

I then got up from kneeling on the ground, about to walk away, but then some thing happened.

“Tom” he said almost to quite to hear, but not for me. I never had a problem hearing him. Never! He was the most perfect person ever and he still is. Well I know that now.

I then kneeled back on the ground beside him. Put my lips to his and gave him the same kiss that he gave me earlier tonight. I then noticed that there was still a crowed of people watching what had happened. I looked at then. Their faces were in confusion. They looked like that never knew, heard, or seen a guy kissing a guy before. Then I realized it was not just that. It was because we were brothers. They knew that we were brothers, that why that looked like that, but I didn’t care I was just in tears over what had happened to my dearest brother.

That when they put the stretcher with my brother in the ambulance and I got in with him and the ambulance drove off….

I looked at the picture of my big brother and me. His arms around me. This picture was taken on our 14 birthday. Now two and a half years have passed. This year we didn’t have time for a real birthday.

Thing were so much better back then, but it was not just that, that was better back then. Everything was better. My brother would pay more attention to me. He was the first person that ever cared about me in away that always made me feel safe.  I didn’t have to hid who I really was behind make-up. I never had to care about the way I looked. Oh and another thing screaming girly fans never got in the way of me and my brother, but it does now.

One night after a concert I saw my big brother Tom talking to this fan girl. I have seen Tom talking to the same fan girl a few times before. She has been at a lot of our concerts lately and it has been driving me crazy, but now I couldn’t take it anymore.  That night when I saw my big brother Tom with that fan girl I just didn’t see them talking. I saw more then just that. It was horrifying. I couldn’t take it. That night I ran into the tour bus and went into my bunk and cried, until I couldn’t cry anymore.       

As a laid on my bed staring at the picture of my big brother and me, for what seemed like hours I just tried not to remember what happened, but didn’t seem to work. All I did was start to cry. That’s when I hit me. I had to do something about the pain. I knew talking to my big brother was not going to help anytime soon. So I got up of my bed and sat down in the middle of my room.

I then saw something metal out of the corner of my eye. I reached over and picked it up. Looked at it for second then put it to my wrist pushing it in hard. Then I started to scream out in pain. After a few seconds the pain went away. I then dropped the blade on the floor.

I could feel the warm blood trickling down, but I just stared at it not caring. I picked up the blade off the floor and pressed it to my arm again and made another mark. This time it didn’t hurt so much cause the feeling in my arm was sort a gone by now. I then dropped the blade and looked at it again as my eyes started to water. By now I could hardly feel my wrist and the rest of my four-arm.

I didn’t care. I just tried to forget about the pain. Forget about everything that happened this month, but it was not working. I guess razorblades really don’t help the pain go away. I know that most people that were in my situation wouldn’t say, or think that, but they are not me. No one could ever be me.  
 
I was now staring hard at red marks on my arm. The teas now were falling down my face fast. I tried whipping them away, but as I whipped them away more just fell down my face.

I try everything to forget, but nothing helped, nothing at all. Maybe I was just being punished and there was no way to make this better. If there is then I haven’t found it yet.

That’s when I hard someone walking up to the door of the room I am in. I looked over. The doorknob was turning and then the door opened. There standing in the door way was my big brother Tom.

I was sitting in the middle of the room crying and holding a razorblade in my hand. My hair was a mess. Blood was all over my left arm and on the floor by now, but it was the lest of my problems. I got up. My leg were a little shaky from sitting on the floor in one position for a long time, but I managed to walk over to my brother and I put my arms around him in a big hug never wanting to let him go.

All I wanted to was forget about everything. Have everything go back to the way it was before. I was so happy long ago, but those days are over now. The only thing is, is that I never want him to see me like this. When he walked into the room, the look on his was too horrible to look at. By that time I was ashamed to even look at him, but I had to if I wanted to feel better.
    
Then my big brother started to talk in his sweet soft voice that I always loved. “What’s wrong little brother? I just looked at him. Staring at his beautiful soft warm brown eyes.

I can’t tell him can I? If I do will this make things better, or will it just make things worse like it ways did.

“I don’t know I just never wanted things to be like this.” I said as I let go of him and dropped to the floor in a fit of crying. He then bent down be side me and pulled me into a hug. Rocking me back and forth trying to make me feel better.

If only he knew what was going on.

I then looked back at him again. “ Umm….. Tom I have something to say. I don’t really know how to say it, but I have to. If I don’t then I don’t know what’s going to happened,” I paused only for a second to feel the warmth of my big brother’s lips on mine.

That’s when I knew everything was going to get better.


~ Fin~        
 
 

11:38 PM at night and I have nothing to do..... I'm just sitting here watching a movie bored out of my mind.... Even the movie that i'm watching is kinda boring, cause i'm bored out of my mind...... No one is on MSN right now that I want to talk, so ya i'm BORED..... 

Razorblade Kisses

 

The blood flows down my arm
Save me
Save me from my stupidity
Save me from my knowledge
Save me from my self
A cut is only a cut
Right?
Wrong!
A cut is only a cut when it is
To the skin
But the first is the deepest
A gash to my soul
To my heart to my emotions
It is what you caused me.
I can't take it anymore
So I fined a blade
Sharp, cold metal
It kisses my wrist
As it glides across my arm
A trail of blood
You are the blade that kissed my arm
Your sharp and cold like metal
Leaving blood where've you've been
Razorblade kisses
Painful, dreadful
But to me they are helpful
So as my wrist gets kissed
And the blood drips to the floor
And my eyes black out
As my lungs lose breath
Just watch me faint
Fall to the floor
The blood collect around me
Like what happened to my heart
Razorblade kisses never fail
I spin through a black hole
My life flashes before my eyes
The kisses we shared
Nothing now
Maybe my life will be better in Hell
Except for the fact that you may be there too
Razorblade kisses never fail
to make me fall!

It was about midnight when I finally came home from being out all night. I was Still a little drunk from earlier, but I didn't care. As I tried to walk up the stairs I almost fall over, so I just walked over the couch and laid down instead.

A few minutes later I was woken by the sound of some one coming down the stairs. I sat up and looked over. Knowing that it was Chai I walk over to him and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey when did u get home?" Chai asked me in his soft loving voice. "not that long ago, ummmm....about ummmm.... 6 minutes ago I think", I said as I was having trouble Reme-bring how long a was home for.

I then leaned in and quickly kissed him on the lips before he could say anything else. He then pushed me away after about a second.

"Why the hell did you just do that for," He asked in his not so soft and loving voice." "I don't know," I said a little confused on why I has done that in the first place.

Then I just turned and walk back over to the couch and sat down.

Why the hell did I just do that. I know I'm drunk and I probably won't remember anything about this tomorrow, but I still don't know why I just did that for. I don't love him, or anything like that. Do I?

I just sat there think that over and over in my head. Then Chai came over and sat down beside me.

I didn't want to have to look at him, but I had to, or he would think something is wrong, so I looked at him right in the eyes and just stared at him for a long time.

The next thing I knew I had moved closer and Pressed my lips agents his again before he could stop me. This time it didn't feel weird. This time he did push me a way. This time it felt like I was kissing the lips of an angel.

~FIN~

Here is a little poll thingy. I was just wondering how many of u out there think that Sonny was better in FFTL , or is he better at being a solo singer then in a band...., or both......

Better in FFTL?

Better at what he is doing now, being a solo singer?

or, both?

 

My love I cant take this anymore. Why do you have to like her and not me? This is making me made and every time I see you guys together it makes me want to throw up or even worse cut myself because I love you so much and you dont love me at all, only as a friend. I thought I was fine with that at first, but then when I saw you with her when you would bring her back here it was just too much for me to handle and it just happened.

So as sat on the floor in a corner of my room with a blade in my right hand and deeps wounds on my left arm, I kept thing about what happed a long time ago. When all of a sudden there was a knock at my bedroom door. "One minute," I said as I quickly bandaged up my arm and put on some black and white bracelets to distracted from the bandages and put the blade back under my pillow. "Ok come in," I said as I sat down on my bed.

Vivian then opened my bedroom door and walked in and sat down on my bed beside me and was just about to say something when I butted in. "Um....Vivian I have something too tell you," I said but the phone rang.

Could this be my chance to tell him everything that I feel about him and that I love him like no one else.

After Vivian was off the phone he came back into my room and sat back down on my bed. "So Theon what was it you wanted to tell me before the phone rang," He asked. "Oh nothing its not really important," I said in a way that he wouldnt want to ask why. "Ok," he said and he got up off of my bed and left my room with out another word.

What the hell did I just do? I should have told him. I had my chance to tell him, but my stupid nerves got in the way.

Later that day as I finally left my room I noticed that Vivian and his girlfriend were cuddling on the couch watching TV. As I was about to walk passed them and I started to get a tingle in my arm and I walked back into my room and slam the door behind me. I then sat down on the floor with my back to the door.

Omg I cant take this any more. Why the hell dose he still love her?

I then got up off of the floor and went over to my bed and laid down. Ater a few min I took the blade from under my pillow. Sat down on the floor and pressed it to my arm and my blood started to drip down my arm onto the floor and a few tears came to my eyes.

Why me. Why do I love you? Why cant I just be straight and not have to go throw all of this because of you my love, but Im not and I will never be straight as long as I love you.

I then reached over to the table beside my bed. Took a Kleenex and wiped off the blood on my arm leaving only the scar and put some more bandages on my arm to cover up the fresh new scar and put the blade back under my pillow.

I then realized that there was some wet blood on the floor from my scar. So I took the Kleenex and padded up the wet blood until it was dry. Got up and laid down on my bed.

As I was laying on my bed Vivian walked in and sat down beside me on my bed. 'Hey is there something wrong," Vivian said as he tried to comfort me. "No," I lied as I turned over to face the wall with my back turned to Vivian. "OK, but If theres something wrong you can tell," he said as he got up and walked out of my room leaving my bedroom door partly opened.

Wow he was sitting right beside me. Omg this is so not fair. I need to tell him fast and if he says that he doesnt love me in that way. Then it was worth the try, but I hope that he still want to be friends after this and not find this to weird.

I then got up off my bed. Walked over to the door and closed it with another slam and took the blade from under my pillow that was now covered in dried blood and sat down in a corner of my room away from the door. Next I took the blade and slowly pressed it to my arm. A seconded later I started to scream in pain.

Thats when my bedroom door flew open and I hit the floor with a thud. Vivian then came running in. Sat down beside me. Put my head on his leap and brushed away the hair that had fallen in my face. I then stared to say something when he put his arms around me and gave me huge. He then took his arms from around me and just looked at me as tears started to fall from his face. He then looked over at my arm and saw that here was a blade sticking out of a deep wound on my left arm and he picked me up off of the floor. Put me on my bed and sat down beside me. Thats when more tears came to his eyes and he ran out of my room and sat on the floor beside my bedroom door and cried some more.

I cant believe that he has actually tried to kill himself. What an idiot he is. I think he would have known better then to kill himself.

All of a sudden he heard me faintly say his name and he got up and ran back into my room and sat down beside me again. I then took his hand in mine and pulled him in closer with the little bite of stangth I had left and gave him another huge. After a few seconds my head fell to the side and my eyes closed. He then was about to kiss me when my eyes opened and he just smiled at me even though he was crying. I then tried to say something, but he stopped me before I had time.

So this is the end for me. Well I am going to miss you my love. You have been so nice to me all these years and all I did was cut myself because of you my love. Well I guess I just might as well tell you everything and hope for the best because well this is the end my love.

"Umm....Vivian I have something to say to you," I said with a struggle. "Yah," He said cruise as to what I had to say to him. "Um....I dont really know how to tell you this, but I love you. I have loved you ever since I meet you, but I guess Im to late to tell you this. Well anyway I was going to tell you a while ago, but I guess that I was warred that you wouldn't love me back," I said as a stabbing pain came to my arm and I let out a little scream. As the pain subsided I noticed that he was crying again. I slowly and weakly and sat up and wrapped up my arms around him and gave him the last hug. All of a sudden I went limp and my arms fell off of him and I laid on my bed almost dead. Thats when tears finally came to my eyes this time and he looked at me and smiled. Thats when he said what I want to hear him say for along time now. "I love you too, And I have loved you for a very long time too," He said as he bent down and kissed me for the first time. This was no ordinary kiss this was a kiss that I was never going to forget even if I was going to die at this moment. He then took his lips off of mine and stared at me as he cried. "But what about your girlfriend," I said with a struggle again. "You mean more to me then she dose and it took me along time to find that out, but earlier today I was sitting and watching TV with her and it hit me that I love you and that you mean every thing to me, but now I dont want this to end like this. I want us to be together forever," he said as he tryed to look at me as he was still crying. "We can," I said as the stabbing pain shot up my arm and in to my heart. "But how," he said as he grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug as he kissed me on the lips for the last time. "Dont know, but if we can be together then I will never forget you," I said as my head fell to the side. My eyes closed. My breathing got less and less and my heart stopped and I just laid there lifeless and dead.



~ fin ~